Anger is a Secondary Emotion

I'm working backwards. When people tell you their 'life story' they usually start at the beginning. Not me, I'm a rebel... Actually, I'm not that cool. I have to work backwards because it's easier for me to understand where I've come from.

I'm an emotional eater. I said this in my previous blog. But I want to really talk about that in a little more detail.  The why is always really important when trying to stop a bad 'habit.' If you can figure out the why then you can find a different solution... you know, instead of eating a whole cheesecake.

I get angry fast. I'm 'quick-tempered' I guess. But I'm reminded of something my dad taught me: Anger is a secondary emotion.  It can't happen first. Anger happens in reaction to a primary emotion, like fear or pain.  When my temper flairs up it's in response to someting else I felt. I push away the first emotion, probably to protect myself, and let the anger ride. Anger requires action in order to feel accomplished.  I can't just go around punching people in the face and throwing park benches at pedestrians! So I yell, I stomp, I shake my little fist at the world and then I eat. And I keep eating until I feel better. Which can take many hours and many bowls of bean dip.

But I know this about myself. So when I get angry now, if I can take a moment to think to myself, why I got angry. Maybe I can stop the cycle.  Prayer helps... big time.  I feel that little fuzzy ball of fire in my stomach and I ask God for help. Sometimes the only thing I get out is, "help me."  And He does.  He gives me that tiny moment of clarity and peace to see what I'm really feeling.  If the primary feeling can be dealt with, the anger never comes. And the bean dip stays in the bowl.

Emotion is not my only trigger but it's probably my biggest one.  And I still get 'hopping-mad' from time to time but I don't eat it out anymore. haha.  What's interesting is that this tactic has become very useful in my relationship with my husband as well.  If I can explain to him why I'm upset, we have a better chance of clearing it up.  But if I stay angry and everyone is focused on my anger, it only gets worse.  I have to be willing to be vunerable and say, "that hurt, or that disappointed me, or I'm embarressed." It's a big step to be that honest with your spouse. Sometimes it's easier to just be mad and get over it. It's harder to stop protecting yourself and risk even more hurt feelings by opening up.  But the results are undeniable.  Just like with the food. I stopped eating angry, I lost 40 pounds.  I stopped yelling at my partner, we grew even closer and stronger.

So I challenge you to look for your trigger.  What is it that makes you lash out at your loved ones and punish your body?  What happens that garuntees you to make a bad choice? If you can identify it, you can correct it.  All with the help of God of course. None of us can do it alone. 

A Beginning of Sorts

Healthy versus unhealthy. I've been thinking a lot lately about these two terms and how they play a role in my life. Sometimes there are factors in our environment that can make us unhealthy, things we can't control. And the rest... completely up to us. I've been unhappy with myself for most of my life. Like most girls I have suffered the same negative thoughts about my body, my heart and anything I have to offer this world let alone my God. Eating has always been my way of hiding. As long as I am eating, I am not hurting anyone but me. I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm angry, I eat when I'm happy. Eating to comfort myself and my insecurities only managed to make them worse. Because then, I felt guilty and needed to be comforted more, thus, I would continue eating. As you can see, it's an awful circle in which I chased myself. Well, that's all changing.

God is good. And His grace is larger than I can conceive. It is in this grace that I now choose to reside. Does that make me reckless in my lifestyle choices now? Does that give me a 'free pass' ? Can I go around all 'will-nilly' behaving like a spoiled child? No. In fact, a resounding No. He has forgiven me for my past actions. But all actions have consequences. I now have a higher risk for heart-disease, diabetes and breast cancer. I screwed up my body so completely that I can't even sleep properly. I dug myself into a hole where none of my dreams live. And only He knows how long it will take to climb out.

When you start the journey towards healing, there can be many steps before you reach the goal. I'm reading this book that is teaching me all the things I never knew about food and hormones. I didn't realize how crappy I've been treating myself all these years. In an effort to reverse my past choices, I've switched to eating nothing but organic foods. I've almost completely eliminated all prossessed foods from my diet. And it's awesome! I have more energy, I sleep better and
I don't feel as 'weighed down' as I used to.

Because I've become to 'hyper-aware' of what I'm putting in my mouth, I've started to pay attention to the stuff I put in my head as well. Healthy isn't limited to my weight or complexion or how long it takes me to run a mile. Healthy is physical, it's mental, it's emotional and it's spiritual. You really can't just focus on the one and forget the others. They all interact with one another. How I feel seriously affects how I eat. And my spiritual health affects how I think and relate to others. They're all connected.

I'm going to go into all these aspects in more detail. It will probably take me several blogs to explore them completely. I'm excited about this journey. I'm even more excited that I have a place I can share it with others. Maybe, as I delve in to the dark reasons why we hurt ourselves, I can help to point you towards the God that has replaced my pain for passion and my weakness for tenacity.

Try Again

Wow, I haven't blogged on here in forever! Which is weird because I'm always thinking and talking about things that I want to right down or share. I guess I get distracted and then I get nervous that no one will like me or people won't understand it. And then I realized something today, nobody reads my crappy writing anyway so why do I care? Ha ha! How liberating! I can say anything I want, feel good about myself for getting it out there and not have to be concerned with crazy misconceptions and even crazier opinions from people I may or may not even know. This is really a wonderful thing, cause I seriously suck at the whole writing thing but I really like to write. I don't know what it is, the way the keys click so nicely while I type? That could totally be it. I get hooked on things quickly.

I titled my blog page: Feels Like I'm Born Again after a Third Day song. Because it's true. My life is so different than the direction it was headed at one time. Now there are days when I wake up and it feels so fresh and vibrant. And i know it's because I've been changed by God and His love for me. It's humbling, it's wonderful and it's relentless. He never stops. He's constantly renewing me, cleansing me and encouraging me to grow. So that what this page is going to mostly be about. My own becoming, as I become more of His.

The Britney Adventure

I'm gonna write about Chicago now. It's been like a month but I still really want to talk about it.

So Charles and I went to Chicago last month so I could see Britney. Yes, I actually refer to her as if we are friends. So does Libby. It's just how we roll. We went to Chicago for our honeymoon so it was special to us beforehand. And I think we enjoyed it even more the second time. It was different this time cuz we explored the city with childhood friends of mine, Libby and her brother Matt. They lived a few houses away from me during some of the most important developmental stages of my life. They had a younger brother, Luke, back then... He died a few years ago in a car accident... I can't talk about it. But we've been friends since forever and I love them dearly.

Libby and Matt had never been to Chicago so it was new and wonderful for them. I tried to pretend like I new what I was doing, but it was pretty obvious that I'm permanently clueless. Our flight was late getting in due to thunderstorms and then we got lost in the airport and I got cranky. But when we finally got to our hotel (Sheraton Garden Inn at O'Hare) we were starved so we went out to eat. Harry Karrey's. Fabulous. We did NOT follow the recommendation to wait two hours after eating before going swimming. Old people in the pool, sucked the fun out of my 'Cannonball Surprize.' They were gross, they were all making out and stuff. And when I say 'old', I mean like 60+. The guy was all fat and hairy. He looked like a polar bear. It was unsettling. Tore my contacts. :(

The next day was filled with pirate adventures! We took the shuttle from our hotel to the airport where we boarded the train. Take the train! If you ever go to Chicago, take the train! It's so fun! and fast! I was pretty nervous about it at first ( I have a transportation phobia) but it's really awesome. We walked to the Feild Museum and said hello to Sue; the largest, most complete, best preserved T-Rex in the world. They seem to be taking good care of him, I guess. Libby, Matt and I have an attatchment to Sue since he was discovered in South Dakota when we were kids. He belongs to us. He lives in our hearts, lol. No, seriously. the museum also had a brand new Pirate Exhibit. I wanted to be a pirate after that. It was very cool. Got to touch some pirate treasure. They wouldn't let us take pictures though.

Walked some more. Seriously, I think we walked like 12 miles just that first day. Saw some weird stuff made out of metal. Art students. So weird. This big bean looking thingy, it looked like Flight of the Navigator. Ate some pretty amazing pizza at Pizano's. Frank Sinatra recommended it. Drank more coffee. Walked back to the train, back to the airport, then to our hotel. Charles and Matt played pool in the hotel bar. I think our bartender was French, he was very smooth and professional. The entire hotel staff was impeccable. Libby and I talked and laughed and talked some more. It was so fun to be able to reconnect with one of my oldest friends. No one is as funny as Libby!

The next day we decided to walk the Magnificent Mile; the most expensive block in the city. It's a whole mile of the most prestigious and exclusive stores in the world. Versace, Louis Vutton, Prada, Cartier, etc. We had fun. I bought a $20 shirt at Forever 21, lol. I'm not a big spender, but it was fun to look. Had some more coffee. Ate pizza at Giordano's, soooo good! Stopped at Sears on our way back to the train and bought some contacts so I could see Britney later that night. Sears rocks! The only place in town with contacts in stock!

Got back to the hotel. Fresh make-up, new clothes, messy hair, insert contacts. We walked to the arena, it was like 5 minutes from our hotel. Charles walked us to the door. He and Matt didn't attend the concert with us. That would be really weird. When we walked into the arena it was like stepping into an alternate reality. I was suddenly very lost. My mind started to try to process all I could see and hear. I have never seen so many scantily clad young women, er, people in my life.

This is when it got real. I knew this moment was coming. The whole trip, there it was, lurking in the back of my mind. The Spirit was moving in me. I felt it. I had tried to get out of this trip months ago, I had changed my mind, I didn't want or need to be here to see all this. I had tried so hard to back out but I couldn't. And as I stood there, in a swirl of pink and glitter and booze, I realized, I had to be there. I had to feel Him and His power in this place.

The concert itself was amazing. Britney is very talented. She is a true Showman, no doubt. It was weird for me though. I watched it with two different view points. It was like my mind had been completely divided and I could see from both of them at the same time. So much of the show was artistic and beautiful and it appealed to my flesh. I wanted it. I liked it. But then the other side, the Holy Spirit moving in me saw all the darkness and evil just covered up by all the sparkle. And I prayed. Not just for Britney, but for everyone there. And for very best friend standing next to me. I guess there's more involved than I can put into words. Even now, the memory overwhelms me. God protected my mind and heart even while I was in the midst of chaos. He was my center. It was good.

I don't expect anyone to understand. I'll obviously not be going to another Britney concert, I'm still surprised I went to this one. So are a lot of people, lol. We all have our 'indiscretions' that we're not proud of. But I got tired of hiding mine a long time ago. I put it all out there, I don't know how to pretend anymore. God deals with all of us differently. And He is constantly drawing me, compelling me to be His. To let go of all I consider to be 'mine' and to just simply rest in His glory and grace.

Thus ends the great Britney Adventure. I'm so glad I went and I hope I was coherent enough for you to understand why it was important for me to go in the first place.

still green

I'm totally gonna start posting blogs about the new Star Trek movie. As soon as I have more than a minute to catch my breath.

I Just Can't Say It

I wish I could describe what's going on in my head and my heart. I used to fancy myself a writer, then a painter, then... eh, whatever. I'm just a girl. Struggling to overcome my insecurities in a 'RocknRoll' world. And while I'm over here on the sidelines, struggling away, there's a war happening. Can I help? Will I be of assistance or in the way? I'm dealing with a serious bout of 'streams of consciousness' so bear with me. Or not. Whatever.

I bugs me when people write blogs like a set of instructions but never included themselves in it. They like to point out what's wrong with the whole wide world but they've got it all figured out. They're special. See? I just did it myself. I'm special. Not really. No one, no matter how studied or knowledgeable or intelligent they think the are, has it figured out. Not even a little. And really, thank God. I'm so glad He knows what's going on. Cuz the rest of us just screw things up royally. It's like we're addicted to disaster.

I wanted to write this blog about my trip to Chicago and the whole Britney Spears thing. I sat down with every intention of doing so. But now... I'm just not gonna do it. Not yet. Maybe tomorrow. Yes, you can all be judgmental of me later, there will be ample opportunity. I judge myself enough for the both of us anyway...

Just Keep Swimming

I started this blog because I wanted to be honest. I decided that whatever I write about, I'm not gonna sugar coat it and I'm not gonna lie. It might be awkward at first but I hope everyone gets used to it. I just got tired of playing politics, ya know? It never felt right.

Starting last Saturday, my friend Brianna challenged me to a competition of sorts. Actually, it came out as more of a suggestion but I turned it into a competition, as is my nature. In the next 4 weeks we're both gonna try our darnedest to work out, eat healthy and lose weight. To make it fair, we'll decide the winner by figuring that total percentage of weight lost instead of pounds. She doesn't have as much to lose as I do. How do you figure percentage you ask? You take you total starting weight(x) subtract new weight(y)to get pounds lost then divide by starting weight(x) and multiply by 100. So the equation looks like this: {(x-y)/x}*100= % Still confusing? Okay, let's say the total starting weight is 500 and after the first week you get down to 480. 500 take away 480 is 20lbs. 20lbs divided by 500 is .04, then multiply by 100 and you get 4% of the weight lost. This way, we can post our percentage lost but not our weight since we're women and we get self-conscious about that sort of thing.

I'm excited about this. I think it's gonna be awesome. So far, I've worked out everyday and I feel fabulous! I'll weigh myself on Sunday and post my percentage lost here every week. Knowing that Brianna is doing the same thing at school in Missouri is really encouraging and I think it'll better hold me accountable.

For those of you who don't work out, I strongly recommend it! In just one week I've noticed a huge change in my quality of sleep and my daily fatigue has all but vanished. I have a lot of extra energy and my body feels like it's finally being used for what it was built for. It's so hard in the beginning, trying to convince yourself that you can do this. You can fight this battle. But you can't. You can't do anything without God (Mark 10:27 : Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.") You have to let go of all the reasons why it's none of His business and just obey. Our bodies are amazing and only He knows what they're capable of because He created them (Psalm 139:13-14 : For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.) This is an incredible journey I've started on with my Lord. I have to start every workout session with prayer. I find myself talking to Him in the middle of it, during my hardest most intense moments. He makes me strong on so many levels. I'm being pushed and changed in such intensity. My body finally feels like it's being used for what it was intended for. Like I'm reaching toward a goal and God can and will use me better in this state. (1 Corinthians 9:26-27 : Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.) I don't know that whys yet but I know i must obey my Lord. Maybe I'll be an encouragement to others someday. How can I know? Only He knows.



*all the verses came from NIV

The Last Hurrah

So I have tickets to see Britney Spears in Chicago at the end of this month. Go ahead and gasp, it's okay. I'm still kind of in shock about it myself. I'm excited and yet disappointed. I'm trying to explain it to myself and to everyone who knows me. I don't even know where to start.

I love Britney. I always have. If you really know me, you already know this. I think she's cool and smart and funny and I own all of her albums and DVD s. I know, it's ridiculous, right? I shouldn't put someone in such high regard who clearly has little to no morals. It's hurts my witness. It hurts my walk with God. She's all about inappropriate subject content. She says and does things I don't agree with and would never even consider for my own life. But I still just adore her. I started praying for her years ago. Before she got divorced, before she shaved her head. I still pray for her. Everyday. I want her to make better choices so badly. I want her to come to know Christ. I want her to be happy, no, joyful.

I'm gonna go to the concert. And I'll pray for her while I'm there. But when I come home, I'll start limiting how much of her sin I absorb. I will never stop praying for her. But this is the last hurrah. I actually changed my mind about going a couple months ago. But tickets have been bought and plans have been been made. So, I'll go, enjoy the show and PRAY like crazy.

I won't be cutting back on just Britney though. I feel that God has pressed on me to purify myself. I can feel myself changing. Things I once enjoyed and looked forward to are now dark and empty to me. I like this change. I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

If We Live Like We Sing

I am feeling this urge to explore the inner workings of my heart. And not just that... but look past my own heart and into others and see the connectivity, the similarities that bind us.

I wanna see what God sees. I wanna look at a person and not see the flaws first. I wanna see the beauty and hope and the life. I wanna see how He sees. I mean, we all have flaws and we're all damaged. But He sees past that. He sees us. He really sees us. He sees past the barriers and the anger and the damage and dirt. He sees past all the the things we hate about ourselves, the things we try to hide from the people closest to us because we're so ashamed. Not only does he look past it, but He loves us. He really does. As complicated as we make our lives, it really is that simple. He loves us. More than we can ever understand.

So what do we do with that? I guess I can only speak for myself. What do I do with that? It's not an overnight change I realize. It's a moment by moment, day by day struggle inside myself to make better choices. To look at others and see what He sees. I suppose David Crowder is right, if we could live like we sing, life would very different.

And I'm trying to make you sing
From inside where you believe
Like it's something that you need
Like it means everything

And I'm trying to make you feel that
This is for real, that life is happening
That it means everything
I'm just trying to make you sing
-David Crowder Band