Desire of my Heart vs Desire of my Flesh

So it's been a year since I've written on here. A lot has happened in that year. I got pregnant, left my job, had a baby, strengthened some relationships and dissolved others.  I plan on using this space more to reflect and record my thoughts on all these changes and the changes yet to come.


Because of my leaving my lucrative management position so as to better raise our child, we don't have Internet. Thus, the writing will happen in a stutter and with seized opportunity.


We also do not have a home phone. And we've never had cable or satellite.  We are living on my husband's wages. We make too much for any kind of help from the government. I am pleased with all these things. We have to monitor our budget, be careful with groceries and make sure we turn the lights off when we leave the room.  Gone are the days of eating out and buying frivolous things at Wal-Mart.  It's exciting and scary at the same time.


This is how I desired my life to be. Simple. Broken down. Basic.  Do I wish we had enough money to pay off our medical bills? Of course! Would it make our lives easier if I could buy whatever we wanted for food? Absolutely!  But it's essential we learn how to better appreciate the gifts God has given us. It's not about easy. 


We went to bed one night as carefree kids and woke up as adults with a boatload of responsibility. We're grown-ups now, Hurray! Totally not being sarcastic, I'm serious.  I look around at so many of the people I 'grew up' with and they still haven't gotten it. They're on their second or third kid and still think they're owed something. Like, they got a raw deal.  They don't want to give up their 'dreams' in order to give their little ones a better life.  But their dreams usually consist of bar hopping, cigarettes, and blowing their money on video games and electronics.  Not really the kind of stuff that pays the bills and makes your kids respect you.


We don't do it all right. We don't make the best decisions.  But we're trying, desperately, to be in God's Will.  There's a lot of sacrificing what our flesh wants.  And we still have a long way to go. But I feel like we're closer than we've ever been before.  I love to paint and watch movies and drive around town with the windows down listening to a CD I just bought.  Can't do most of that right now.  I paint occasionally, when my responsibilities allow.  I watch movies that I already own but usually broken into 15-20 minute segments. And I try not to go anywhere if i don't have to because we can't afford gas.


But the truth is, I don't mind. I actually feel closer to my dreams than i ever have before. God longs to give us the desires of our heart. Who knows my heart better than Him? I've been studying my Word more and more every day.  And I feel more fulfilled and complete by simplifying my life the way we have.


I'm not trying to condemn other people's parenting skills or say that they're kids are gonna completely hate them when they grow up. I'm just bringing up things I've observed.  They different choices I've witnessed and the results that has brought about. So if you come at me with vengeance in your eyes maybe you should take a step back. Examine your choices thus far and see if you're actually doing all you can to be a better person and teach your kids how to be decent human beings instead of jerks. Whoa, back up. Did I just say that?  Do I really expect people to take responsibility for themselves? Yes, I really do.


There has been other simplifications in our lives too that i haven't discussed yet. Perhaps in the coming weeks I'll dive into that hornet's nest.

Small Update

Who am I kidding? I'm not a writer! Why do I have a blog? I write poetry occasionally.  And I paint. I'm gonna go paint now.

Anger is a Secondary Emotion

I'm working backwards. When people tell you their 'life story' they usually start at the beginning. Not me, I'm a rebel... Actually, I'm not that cool. I have to work backwards because it's easier for me to understand where I've come from.

I'm an emotional eater. I said this in my previous blog. But I want to really talk about that in a little more detail.  The why is always really important when trying to stop a bad 'habit.' If you can figure out the why then you can find a different solution... you know, instead of eating a whole cheesecake.

I get angry fast. I'm 'quick-tempered' I guess. But I'm reminded of something my dad taught me: Anger is a secondary emotion.  It can't happen first. Anger happens in reaction to a primary emotion, like fear or pain.  When my temper flairs up it's in response to someting else I felt. I push away the first emotion, probably to protect myself, and let the anger ride. Anger requires action in order to feel accomplished.  I can't just go around punching people in the face and throwing park benches at pedestrians! So I yell, I stomp, I shake my little fist at the world and then I eat. And I keep eating until I feel better. Which can take many hours and many bowls of bean dip.

But I know this about myself. So when I get angry now, if I can take a moment to think to myself, why I got angry. Maybe I can stop the cycle.  Prayer helps... big time.  I feel that little fuzzy ball of fire in my stomach and I ask God for help. Sometimes the only thing I get out is, "help me."  And He does.  He gives me that tiny moment of clarity and peace to see what I'm really feeling.  If the primary feeling can be dealt with, the anger never comes. And the bean dip stays in the bowl.

Emotion is not my only trigger but it's probably my biggest one.  And I still get 'hopping-mad' from time to time but I don't eat it out anymore. haha.  What's interesting is that this tactic has become very useful in my relationship with my husband as well.  If I can explain to him why I'm upset, we have a better chance of clearing it up.  But if I stay angry and everyone is focused on my anger, it only gets worse.  I have to be willing to be vunerable and say, "that hurt, or that disappointed me, or I'm embarressed." It's a big step to be that honest with your spouse. Sometimes it's easier to just be mad and get over it. It's harder to stop protecting yourself and risk even more hurt feelings by opening up.  But the results are undeniable.  Just like with the food. I stopped eating angry, I lost 40 pounds.  I stopped yelling at my partner, we grew even closer and stronger.

So I challenge you to look for your trigger.  What is it that makes you lash out at your loved ones and punish your body?  What happens that garuntees you to make a bad choice? If you can identify it, you can correct it.  All with the help of God of course. None of us can do it alone. 

A Beginning of Sorts

Healthy versus unhealthy. I've been thinking a lot lately about these two terms and how they play a role in my life. Sometimes there are factors in our environment that can make us unhealthy, things we can't control. And the rest... completely up to us. I've been unhappy with myself for most of my life. Like most girls I have suffered the same negative thoughts about my body, my heart and anything I have to offer this world let alone my God. Eating has always been my way of hiding. As long as I am eating, I am not hurting anyone but me. I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm angry, I eat when I'm happy. Eating to comfort myself and my insecurities only managed to make them worse. Because then, I felt guilty and needed to be comforted more, thus, I would continue eating. As you can see, it's an awful circle in which I chased myself. Well, that's all changing.

God is good. And His grace is larger than I can conceive. It is in this grace that I now choose to reside. Does that make me reckless in my lifestyle choices now? Does that give me a 'free pass' ? Can I go around all 'will-nilly' behaving like a spoiled child? No. In fact, a resounding No. He has forgiven me for my past actions. But all actions have consequences. I now have a higher risk for heart-disease, diabetes and breast cancer. I screwed up my body so completely that I can't even sleep properly. I dug myself into a hole where none of my dreams live. And only He knows how long it will take to climb out.

When you start the journey towards healing, there can be many steps before you reach the goal. I'm reading this book that is teaching me all the things I never knew about food and hormones. I didn't realize how crappy I've been treating myself all these years. In an effort to reverse my past choices, I've switched to eating nothing but organic foods. I've almost completely eliminated all prossessed foods from my diet. And it's awesome! I have more energy, I sleep better and
I don't feel as 'weighed down' as I used to.

Because I've become to 'hyper-aware' of what I'm putting in my mouth, I've started to pay attention to the stuff I put in my head as well. Healthy isn't limited to my weight or complexion or how long it takes me to run a mile. Healthy is physical, it's mental, it's emotional and it's spiritual. You really can't just focus on the one and forget the others. They all interact with one another. How I feel seriously affects how I eat. And my spiritual health affects how I think and relate to others. They're all connected.

I'm going to go into all these aspects in more detail. It will probably take me several blogs to explore them completely. I'm excited about this journey. I'm even more excited that I have a place I can share it with others. Maybe, as I delve in to the dark reasons why we hurt ourselves, I can help to point you towards the God that has replaced my pain for passion and my weakness for tenacity.

Try Again

Wow, I haven't blogged on here in forever! Which is weird because I'm always thinking and talking about things that I want to right down or share. I guess I get distracted and then I get nervous that no one will like me or people won't understand it. And then I realized something today, nobody reads my crappy writing anyway so why do I care? Ha ha! How liberating! I can say anything I want, feel good about myself for getting it out there and not have to be concerned with crazy misconceptions and even crazier opinions from people I may or may not even know. This is really a wonderful thing, cause I seriously suck at the whole writing thing but I really like to write. I don't know what it is, the way the keys click so nicely while I type? That could totally be it. I get hooked on things quickly.

I titled my blog page: Feels Like I'm Born Again after a Third Day song. Because it's true. My life is so different than the direction it was headed at one time. Now there are days when I wake up and it feels so fresh and vibrant. And i know it's because I've been changed by God and His love for me. It's humbling, it's wonderful and it's relentless. He never stops. He's constantly renewing me, cleansing me and encouraging me to grow. So that what this page is going to mostly be about. My own becoming, as I become more of His.

The Britney Adventure

I'm gonna write about Chicago now. It's been like a month but I still really want to talk about it.

So Charles and I went to Chicago last month so I could see Britney. Yes, I actually refer to her as if we are friends. So does Libby. It's just how we roll. We went to Chicago for our honeymoon so it was special to us beforehand. And I think we enjoyed it even more the second time. It was different this time cuz we explored the city with childhood friends of mine, Libby and her brother Matt. They lived a few houses away from me during some of the most important developmental stages of my life. They had a younger brother, Luke, back then... He died a few years ago in a car accident... I can't talk about it. But we've been friends since forever and I love them dearly.

Libby and Matt had never been to Chicago so it was new and wonderful for them. I tried to pretend like I new what I was doing, but it was pretty obvious that I'm permanently clueless. Our flight was late getting in due to thunderstorms and then we got lost in the airport and I got cranky. But when we finally got to our hotel (Sheraton Garden Inn at O'Hare) we were starved so we went out to eat. Harry Karrey's. Fabulous. We did NOT follow the recommendation to wait two hours after eating before going swimming. Old people in the pool, sucked the fun out of my 'Cannonball Surprize.' They were gross, they were all making out and stuff. And when I say 'old', I mean like 60+. The guy was all fat and hairy. He looked like a polar bear. It was unsettling. Tore my contacts. :(

The next day was filled with pirate adventures! We took the shuttle from our hotel to the airport where we boarded the train. Take the train! If you ever go to Chicago, take the train! It's so fun! and fast! I was pretty nervous about it at first ( I have a transportation phobia) but it's really awesome. We walked to the Feild Museum and said hello to Sue; the largest, most complete, best preserved T-Rex in the world. They seem to be taking good care of him, I guess. Libby, Matt and I have an attatchment to Sue since he was discovered in South Dakota when we were kids. He belongs to us. He lives in our hearts, lol. No, seriously. the museum also had a brand new Pirate Exhibit. I wanted to be a pirate after that. It was very cool. Got to touch some pirate treasure. They wouldn't let us take pictures though.

Walked some more. Seriously, I think we walked like 12 miles just that first day. Saw some weird stuff made out of metal. Art students. So weird. This big bean looking thingy, it looked like Flight of the Navigator. Ate some pretty amazing pizza at Pizano's. Frank Sinatra recommended it. Drank more coffee. Walked back to the train, back to the airport, then to our hotel. Charles and Matt played pool in the hotel bar. I think our bartender was French, he was very smooth and professional. The entire hotel staff was impeccable. Libby and I talked and laughed and talked some more. It was so fun to be able to reconnect with one of my oldest friends. No one is as funny as Libby!

The next day we decided to walk the Magnificent Mile; the most expensive block in the city. It's a whole mile of the most prestigious and exclusive stores in the world. Versace, Louis Vutton, Prada, Cartier, etc. We had fun. I bought a $20 shirt at Forever 21, lol. I'm not a big spender, but it was fun to look. Had some more coffee. Ate pizza at Giordano's, soooo good! Stopped at Sears on our way back to the train and bought some contacts so I could see Britney later that night. Sears rocks! The only place in town with contacts in stock!

Got back to the hotel. Fresh make-up, new clothes, messy hair, insert contacts. We walked to the arena, it was like 5 minutes from our hotel. Charles walked us to the door. He and Matt didn't attend the concert with us. That would be really weird. When we walked into the arena it was like stepping into an alternate reality. I was suddenly very lost. My mind started to try to process all I could see and hear. I have never seen so many scantily clad young women, er, people in my life.

This is when it got real. I knew this moment was coming. The whole trip, there it was, lurking in the back of my mind. The Spirit was moving in me. I felt it. I had tried to get out of this trip months ago, I had changed my mind, I didn't want or need to be here to see all this. I had tried so hard to back out but I couldn't. And as I stood there, in a swirl of pink and glitter and booze, I realized, I had to be there. I had to feel Him and His power in this place.

The concert itself was amazing. Britney is very talented. She is a true Showman, no doubt. It was weird for me though. I watched it with two different view points. It was like my mind had been completely divided and I could see from both of them at the same time. So much of the show was artistic and beautiful and it appealed to my flesh. I wanted it. I liked it. But then the other side, the Holy Spirit moving in me saw all the darkness and evil just covered up by all the sparkle. And I prayed. Not just for Britney, but for everyone there. And for very best friend standing next to me. I guess there's more involved than I can put into words. Even now, the memory overwhelms me. God protected my mind and heart even while I was in the midst of chaos. He was my center. It was good.

I don't expect anyone to understand. I'll obviously not be going to another Britney concert, I'm still surprised I went to this one. So are a lot of people, lol. We all have our 'indiscretions' that we're not proud of. But I got tired of hiding mine a long time ago. I put it all out there, I don't know how to pretend anymore. God deals with all of us differently. And He is constantly drawing me, compelling me to be His. To let go of all I consider to be 'mine' and to just simply rest in His glory and grace.

Thus ends the great Britney Adventure. I'm so glad I went and I hope I was coherent enough for you to understand why it was important for me to go in the first place.

still green

I'm totally gonna start posting blogs about the new Star Trek movie. As soon as I have more than a minute to catch my breath.