Anger is a Secondary Emotion

I'm working backwards. When people tell you their 'life story' they usually start at the beginning. Not me, I'm a rebel... Actually, I'm not that cool. I have to work backwards because it's easier for me to understand where I've come from.

I'm an emotional eater. I said this in my previous blog. But I want to really talk about that in a little more detail.  The why is always really important when trying to stop a bad 'habit.' If you can figure out the why then you can find a different solution... you know, instead of eating a whole cheesecake.

I get angry fast. I'm 'quick-tempered' I guess. But I'm reminded of something my dad taught me: Anger is a secondary emotion.  It can't happen first. Anger happens in reaction to a primary emotion, like fear or pain.  When my temper flairs up it's in response to someting else I felt. I push away the first emotion, probably to protect myself, and let the anger ride. Anger requires action in order to feel accomplished.  I can't just go around punching people in the face and throwing park benches at pedestrians! So I yell, I stomp, I shake my little fist at the world and then I eat. And I keep eating until I feel better. Which can take many hours and many bowls of bean dip.

But I know this about myself. So when I get angry now, if I can take a moment to think to myself, why I got angry. Maybe I can stop the cycle.  Prayer helps... big time.  I feel that little fuzzy ball of fire in my stomach and I ask God for help. Sometimes the only thing I get out is, "help me."  And He does.  He gives me that tiny moment of clarity and peace to see what I'm really feeling.  If the primary feeling can be dealt with, the anger never comes. And the bean dip stays in the bowl.

Emotion is not my only trigger but it's probably my biggest one.  And I still get 'hopping-mad' from time to time but I don't eat it out anymore. haha.  What's interesting is that this tactic has become very useful in my relationship with my husband as well.  If I can explain to him why I'm upset, we have a better chance of clearing it up.  But if I stay angry and everyone is focused on my anger, it only gets worse.  I have to be willing to be vunerable and say, "that hurt, or that disappointed me, or I'm embarressed." It's a big step to be that honest with your spouse. Sometimes it's easier to just be mad and get over it. It's harder to stop protecting yourself and risk even more hurt feelings by opening up.  But the results are undeniable.  Just like with the food. I stopped eating angry, I lost 40 pounds.  I stopped yelling at my partner, we grew even closer and stronger.

So I challenge you to look for your trigger.  What is it that makes you lash out at your loved ones and punish your body?  What happens that garuntees you to make a bad choice? If you can identify it, you can correct it.  All with the help of God of course. None of us can do it alone.