Anger is a Secondary Emotion

I'm working backwards. When people tell you their 'life story' they usually start at the beginning. Not me, I'm a rebel... Actually, I'm not that cool. I have to work backwards because it's easier for me to understand where I've come from.

I'm an emotional eater. I said this in my previous blog. But I want to really talk about that in a little more detail.  The why is always really important when trying to stop a bad 'habit.' If you can figure out the why then you can find a different solution... you know, instead of eating a whole cheesecake.

I get angry fast. I'm 'quick-tempered' I guess. But I'm reminded of something my dad taught me: Anger is a secondary emotion.  It can't happen first. Anger happens in reaction to a primary emotion, like fear or pain.  When my temper flairs up it's in response to someting else I felt. I push away the first emotion, probably to protect myself, and let the anger ride. Anger requires action in order to feel accomplished.  I can't just go around punching people in the face and throwing park benches at pedestrians! So I yell, I stomp, I shake my little fist at the world and then I eat. And I keep eating until I feel better. Which can take many hours and many bowls of bean dip.

But I know this about myself. So when I get angry now, if I can take a moment to think to myself, why I got angry. Maybe I can stop the cycle.  Prayer helps... big time.  I feel that little fuzzy ball of fire in my stomach and I ask God for help. Sometimes the only thing I get out is, "help me."  And He does.  He gives me that tiny moment of clarity and peace to see what I'm really feeling.  If the primary feeling can be dealt with, the anger never comes. And the bean dip stays in the bowl.

Emotion is not my only trigger but it's probably my biggest one.  And I still get 'hopping-mad' from time to time but I don't eat it out anymore. haha.  What's interesting is that this tactic has become very useful in my relationship with my husband as well.  If I can explain to him why I'm upset, we have a better chance of clearing it up.  But if I stay angry and everyone is focused on my anger, it only gets worse.  I have to be willing to be vunerable and say, "that hurt, or that disappointed me, or I'm embarressed." It's a big step to be that honest with your spouse. Sometimes it's easier to just be mad and get over it. It's harder to stop protecting yourself and risk even more hurt feelings by opening up.  But the results are undeniable.  Just like with the food. I stopped eating angry, I lost 40 pounds.  I stopped yelling at my partner, we grew even closer and stronger.

So I challenge you to look for your trigger.  What is it that makes you lash out at your loved ones and punish your body?  What happens that garuntees you to make a bad choice? If you can identify it, you can correct it.  All with the help of God of course. None of us can do it alone. 

A Beginning of Sorts

Healthy versus unhealthy. I've been thinking a lot lately about these two terms and how they play a role in my life. Sometimes there are factors in our environment that can make us unhealthy, things we can't control. And the rest... completely up to us. I've been unhappy with myself for most of my life. Like most girls I have suffered the same negative thoughts about my body, my heart and anything I have to offer this world let alone my God. Eating has always been my way of hiding. As long as I am eating, I am not hurting anyone but me. I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm angry, I eat when I'm happy. Eating to comfort myself and my insecurities only managed to make them worse. Because then, I felt guilty and needed to be comforted more, thus, I would continue eating. As you can see, it's an awful circle in which I chased myself. Well, that's all changing.

God is good. And His grace is larger than I can conceive. It is in this grace that I now choose to reside. Does that make me reckless in my lifestyle choices now? Does that give me a 'free pass' ? Can I go around all 'will-nilly' behaving like a spoiled child? No. In fact, a resounding No. He has forgiven me for my past actions. But all actions have consequences. I now have a higher risk for heart-disease, diabetes and breast cancer. I screwed up my body so completely that I can't even sleep properly. I dug myself into a hole where none of my dreams live. And only He knows how long it will take to climb out.

When you start the journey towards healing, there can be many steps before you reach the goal. I'm reading this book that is teaching me all the things I never knew about food and hormones. I didn't realize how crappy I've been treating myself all these years. In an effort to reverse my past choices, I've switched to eating nothing but organic foods. I've almost completely eliminated all prossessed foods from my diet. And it's awesome! I have more energy, I sleep better and
I don't feel as 'weighed down' as I used to.

Because I've become to 'hyper-aware' of what I'm putting in my mouth, I've started to pay attention to the stuff I put in my head as well. Healthy isn't limited to my weight or complexion or how long it takes me to run a mile. Healthy is physical, it's mental, it's emotional and it's spiritual. You really can't just focus on the one and forget the others. They all interact with one another. How I feel seriously affects how I eat. And my spiritual health affects how I think and relate to others. They're all connected.

I'm going to go into all these aspects in more detail. It will probably take me several blogs to explore them completely. I'm excited about this journey. I'm even more excited that I have a place I can share it with others. Maybe, as I delve in to the dark reasons why we hurt ourselves, I can help to point you towards the God that has replaced my pain for passion and my weakness for tenacity.

Try Again

Wow, I haven't blogged on here in forever! Which is weird because I'm always thinking and talking about things that I want to right down or share. I guess I get distracted and then I get nervous that no one will like me or people won't understand it. And then I realized something today, nobody reads my crappy writing anyway so why do I care? Ha ha! How liberating! I can say anything I want, feel good about myself for getting it out there and not have to be concerned with crazy misconceptions and even crazier opinions from people I may or may not even know. This is really a wonderful thing, cause I seriously suck at the whole writing thing but I really like to write. I don't know what it is, the way the keys click so nicely while I type? That could totally be it. I get hooked on things quickly.

I titled my blog page: Feels Like I'm Born Again after a Third Day song. Because it's true. My life is so different than the direction it was headed at one time. Now there are days when I wake up and it feels so fresh and vibrant. And i know it's because I've been changed by God and His love for me. It's humbling, it's wonderful and it's relentless. He never stops. He's constantly renewing me, cleansing me and encouraging me to grow. So that what this page is going to mostly be about. My own becoming, as I become more of His.